thoughts.

it's a little surreal looking back at some of these entries, and thinking "wow, these words came out of my mouth" [okay, okay, mostly yours... you know i can't commit to writing posts. i'm a drive-by emotional blogger].  i can't believe that we now are literally on the last leg of the twentysomethings and of all the changes that we've been through in the last 10 years.  like move across the country changes, like finding new love changes, like BIG CHANGES changes... i guess it's all part of being twentysomething [and thirtysomething and fortysomething...].

something that stands out to me after reading some of my old posts is that even while i was in the midst of being twentysomething, i was too busy agonizing over being "older" to actually witness the miracle of opportunity waiting at my feet.  cest la vie.  it's seemingly easier to wait for change, than it is to go out and seek it... but is it really?  finally at 29, i feel like i am making changes... for me.  i finally feel comfortable in my own skin, and maybe that's just something that come with age and experience, who knows?  maybe it was necessary to experience the twentysomething angst of endless possibilities and an unwillingness to make real decisions in order to be where i am now.  i finally know me, and it gives me the courage to be me.

i am sure the thirtysomethings will bring on a whole new world of life changing events and issues, but for now, i am thrilled to have gotten to the tail end of the twenties with [some] grace and [a little] dignity.

on moving east.

There’s something magical about setting your mind to achieve a goal (or as I’d so eloquently say, make shit happen) and then…it actually happening. Something about will power that propels you to leave your comfort zone to begin a journey you’ve secretly and then not-so-secretly dreamt about. The ever present desire to live outside of your home state, twenty-seven years from north to south to the city of angels, the desire-turned-need to embark on an adventure.

A year ago today, I was in the process of signing papers to become a condo owner in West LA. Uncertain if it was the right decision for me but certain it was a good decision…I’ve learned, those are the toughest scenarios. When “want” is no longer the driver, we’re left with a question we’ll (hopefully) only be able to selflessly ask for a short while longer – what’s best for me?

Ultimately, I knew I needed this move. I knew I needed to feel a new sense of independence, to feel somewhat helpless only to allow my experiences help create what will eventually feel like “home”. There have definitely been fun nights out and afternoon rendezvous paired with familiar faces that have kept me from really feeling homesick. But really? My roots have sprouted and sunk most firmly into this city during my strolls to 7am yoga. So few people on what usually are bustling streets. So few noises and honks and heels echoing off the highs and lows of endless buildings. Just the shuffle of my Toms watching the pavement and thinking on loop - I’m here. I’m really here.

-jnet

at least...

"one more week to be a kid"

and the countdown begins. a week until i'm officially in my late twenties. this should be interesting!

for the first year ever, i don't really want to celebrate my birthday. works out since i'll be heading to palm springs for a friend's bachelorette party on my bday anyhow, so, no big dinner and party this year. which is fine by me.

i wonder if i'll still wake up on my birthday (next to my friends and a bag of chips) and stretch and squeal. wonder if i'll ever get too old to feel giddy on the morning of.

life is so funny. how things work out or how some things don't work out. how you grow to REALLY appreciate your mom and her opinions, how you grow up ever so slightly and realize it at such random moments. that growing up doesn't mean changing necessarily but more, changing how you react, what goes through your mind.

weird how dates we set in our heads when we're younger get pushed back by reality and dreams become reinvented through time and...life.

i've always thought i'd grow out of my silliness but i realize now im stuck with it, it is who i am. but amidst all the craziness, i finally accept me for me. the good, the bad and the ugly.

i like that i'm finally starting to be OK with things just as they are. people, just as they are. situations, just as they are. and maybe by next year i'll be able to say that i'm not just starting to see things just as they are, but understand that it's just life. we'll see.

wonder where i'll be in a year. geographically, in my career, with my relationships.

life.

some days you wake up and for whatever reason, life decides to smack you upside the head just to remind you who's boss. in those moments, stand strong, yell a few obscenities back, and then find your friends and lean the hell out of them.

how else are you supposed to get through anything? by yourself? please, that is so 2009.

i find out about the loan today/tomorrow and while 99% of me is hoping and praying things go through, there is still that 1% of me that juuuuust might just be OK with keeping my cash monies in the bank, versus owing the bank 500k+. we'll see.

in the meantime, i'll keep trying to figure it out. and by it, i mean life. and by life, i mean, i need one.

freedom vs. responsibility

It's been an ongoing battle, freedom vs. responsibility.

I know it’s a great investment for me to buy property right now. I know that I pay A LOT of income taxes and that would dramatically decrease if I invested in property. Tax benefits, ME benefits. I get it. I know that being smart today, means reaping the great benefits tomorrow (er, 5+ years) and I certainly know I am lucky as all hell to have parents who can financially afford to help with the down payment.

But what I don’t know is if it’s right for me, right now.

I want to explore, and have the option to live outside of California “before it’s too late”. (Too late for what? Ah, a whole different post) I want the freedom to make decisions based on what I want to do, and not have to consider what responsibilities (read: mortgage) I have “holding me back”. I want to be selfish for just a little bit longer. I want to spend my money a little more freely than what I’ve felt confined to in the past year while saving/prepping for THE PURCHASE OF THE DECADE. Frankly - I want to go to Coachella, I want to consider buying a new car, visit Stef in China, buy a last minute ticket to anywhere-but-here, etc. I mean, I work damn hard (hello 10+ hour days) for my little monies and I want to ENJOY IT today, tomorrow, next week, next year…not in 10-15-30 years when I sell the property. Is it so bad that I want to enjoy (what’s left of, sob) my 20s, and what’s left of my single years (wishful thinking…)?

I’m in the crossroads right now. With just a few days to decide if I fully want to let go of this rare find in West LA, I can’t help but want to run the other direction. Should I let it go? Should I look for something else? Or, for now just let go of the search all together? I mean, I have always thought, “wouldn’t it be easier if I saved now, waited a few years, and then had a DUAL-INCOME to contribute to a bigger/better purchase”? I mean, what’s the rush? I have the rest of my life to take on something of this magnitude, right?

To be honest, I’m not sure I was ever fully on-board with this idea. Granted being a home owner sounds fun and all, and I know it’s great and responsible and forward-thinking, but - am I ready to jump into something this ADULT? I mean, I nearly had a panic attack when I saw the loan papers stating how much I would have paid the bank at the end of the 30-year-loan. And, that was enough to make me die a little inside. I mean, that is major cash-monies we are talking about. Nothing chump about that change.

I wish I knew what the “right” choice was. I don’t want to let the me-me-me/selfish voices take over what’s best for my future. But I also don’t want to go into something like this not feeling 100 percent comfortable with my decision to basically, sign away my life for the next few years. (Yes, with my current income, choosing to take on a mortgage is basically doing just that) How do I determine if my feelings are legitimate or selfish? And, is there really a difference?

after a brief hiatus, we're back and more 20something than ever! whatever that means.

it's 2010. this year we start to leave our mid-twenties behind and head dangerously close to the omg-i'm-almost-thirty-wait-am-i-too-old-to-use-the-acronym-omg?!

i admit it, i freak out a little every time i think about it, especially in the midst of a possible career change and the fact that everyone is getting married/talking about getting married/wanting to be married/just dying to be married already, damnit! my 16 year old self originally planned on being married already and well on the way into my first and/or second of four pregnancies. ha. 16 year old self, i'm glad my 26 year old self kicked your ass back into reality. someday all those things like marriage, babies, and home ownership will come and when they do, i will welcome it with open arms... but for now i am secretly enjoying the fact that i am so... unestablished so to speak. free to float onwards and upwards.