Does being a loner make me old and mature?

This past weekend I attended the #BlogHer09 Conference. Oh shoot, I'm not on Twitter and the hash tag doesn't mean anything. Anyhow, went on behalf of my client but since they were mostly involved on an online component, I got to fully enjoy the conference. I particularly enjoyed the keynotes which were entertaining, captivating, RAW and well, plain inspiring. There were some amazing and talented women at the conference!

I've been "blogging" for over 7 years (well, first recorded blog post I can find via good 'ol XANGA (lol) was June 2002) but this was an entirely on a different wavelength than what I'm used to. I've been working with bloggers for years but this was the first time I got to really join in the conversation with a large group of people who have such a passion for what they do. It was really interesting - and while I'll never blog the way I did in college (basically, about every aspect of my life, every feeling, every up....and down....), or the way these women (mostly women) do, I think I'll always use my blog(s) as a platform to share. I would say, as a platform to engage conversations but I'm pretty sure Mel (co-blog owner here) is the only one who comments. lol.

Anyhow, I'm rambling. On to the reason for the post! So during BlogHer, I knew a few souls at the conference/in Chicago but ended up grabbing dinner alone on Friday night. Which was totally fine, until I actually got to the restaurant (recommended by concierge, across the street from the hotel) and realized, oh wait, eating alone means sitting alone....in a crowded restaurant...on a Friday night! MAN, WHAT A LOSER!

But I decided to embrace this, like I always do when I start feeling "lonely" (I use quotes because I'm not really LONELY but when I remember, I'm alone...I'm like, shoot...I'm alone. Um, does that make sense? Perhaps leave me a comment and I'll explain more. Just kidding. :) ) Anyhow, I thought, why not eat alone at a restaurant, it's so....business-woman'y. We all know my job as a "PRrofessional" does not usually fall under "business woman" but I had to embrace the moment! So I chose to sit at the bar, ordered a glass of wine and ignored the pity-stares. It felt empowering. Like I was reaching another rung on the ladder towards becoming a grown up. Eat alone, at crowded restaurant, while away for work - check!

What's next? Buy a stuffed animal for my kid when I'm away on business? (Uhm, if and when this happens, please 1) let there be a ring on my finger 2) can it be a really cute and well behaved kid that I'm bringing a stuffed animal home for? please?)

To wrap things up, I'm growing up (or at least pretending to) and it feels so good. (Yes, I'm still the only person on the planet who can't wait to GET OLDER. THAT'S RIGHT, late 20s, I'm coming for YOU. EAT YOUR HEART OUT.)

post from dooce, on love

Call me a sap, but someday, I hope to have a love like this.

Excerpt from one of my favorite blogs: Dooce.com.

Enjoy!

For those who live with those like me

Yesterday Jon posted what I think is one of the best things he's ever written on his website about what it's like this second time around. A snippet:

My therapist told me a couple of years ago that she thought I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) around pregnancy because of what we went through as a couple in 2004. I tend to believe her...

In 2007 we tried and were successful in getting Heather pregnant. She miscarried at 10 weeks and suffered some postpartum depression, which was totally understandable, but made me question if I had the reserves to handle severe postpartum depression again. I wanted to gear up for when we tried again. Once Heather’s system regulated and we decided we wanted a summer baby we went for it again and now we have our beautiful, sweet Marlo. Who deserves all the love and generosity we’ve shared with Leta.

If you haven't read the piece he wrote a couple of months after that miscarriage about what it's like to live with someone who suffers from chronic depression, you should definitely give it a look:

As a heterosexual man attracted to a woman, I have a range of emotions and ways of dealing with whatever life throws my way. One of those things is to look at a problem and want to fix it. Men like to be fixers, for the most part, and this is great for things like a clogged drain or dead car battery. Also great if the satellite dish isn’t picking up the latest “Nature is Sad” show on the educational channel because it’s buried in snow. It is not so great if your partner needs for you to help her by listening...

I’ve really had to stop myself and let it go. I have to tell myself that I need to LISTEN and to tell myself to SHUT UP. It’s doubly important when somebody is anxious or depressed and needs to get it out. I have only met a few men who are great listeners, and those were professionals I was paying to listen.

So. Listen.

I was interviewed a couple of days ago for a small piece about the Forbes thing for a local news station, and during the interview one of the questions triggered a response I haven't been able to articulate yet, that this pregnancy and delivery and now living with two kids... there are days when my love for Jon is almost unbearable, and I am so lucky and thankful to have him in my life. And I have glimpses and memories of those heady, crazy times when we first got together in the sweltering Los Angeles summer of 2001 when we were having sex all day every day YES I JUST WENT THERE and sometimes I look at my two little girls and I can't believe that here I am eight years later and I'm sitting next to Jon Armstrong.

Jon, I love you so much.

it's not really an "ah-ha" moment, more of a HOLY SHIT moment

racing down the path towards the LATE 20s and apparently there is no ctrl-alt-delete button to stop/slow down the process.

and hello, how many times do you catch yourself thinking "holy crap, it's almost august" or "holy crap "it's 2009" or "how am i XX age ALREADY?" (no, but really, HOLY CRAP IT'S BASICALLY AUGUST ALREADY!!!!)

life is speeding by. i just hope everyone in their 20s (and really, just everyone in general) realizes that THIS MOMENT, RIGHT NOW will never come again. the freedom you may or may not think you have is limited. THINGS WILL CHANGE whether you're ready or not. hold on tight, folks.

(oh and, can i just say how surreal it is that i'll be attending my first friend-my-age wedding in a few weeks. reuniting with dozens of folks i haven't seen in almost a decade. it's going to be such an overwhelming but eventful weekend. we always knew she would be first....)

...because SATC is the bane of our existence

(thx Rebecca/Style with Benefits for unknowingly letting me borrow stuff from your page, again. i love you!)

BOY DETOX: JOIN THE REVOLUTION

Please need not apply if:
-you are in a loving relationship (ugh, YOU people)
-you love him/her, s/he loves you
-you are generally a grumpy person
-you don't like pho

Please inquire within if:
-you find yourself wasting away time with boys you don't care about
-you are more infatuated with the attention, than the boy
-you are too dependent on meaningless relationships
-you're ready to spend this precious in-my-20s-and-loving-it time focusing on YOU and how to be a better YOU

Details:
Find yourself wasting minutes, hours, days over someone you really don't even like? Having to endure the horrifying emotions that come with a "relationship" (i.e. worrying, frustration, anger, hurt) over someone you don't even see making the "list" of who made an inkling of an impression in your 20s? Ever catch yourself thinking, why do I even answer your calls? Why do I even respond to your texts...sober?


.....


Weeks ago, I set off in a new direction...a boy-less direction. I deemed it the Boy Detox. I just realized that I was hanging out with people I didn't even care about and why? Because I wanted attention? Companionship? Validation? I've fallen into this pattern so many times before and I decided it was time to make a change. Because really, life is so short and NOW only lasts for so long and who knows when the RIGHT person is going to come along. There are so many things to do, people to see, lessons to learn...I don't need to be wasting ANY of my time over someone who doesn't mean a thing to me.

This decision was made prior to a very...well, life changing conversation I had with a friend last week. But the conversation validated the B.D. and has left me feeling better than ever.

In life, there are so many variables and so little constants but through it all, the one person you can count on, your biggest critic, is yourself. Things around you are always changing and you really have no control over anything but you. Situations, friendships, relationships, jobs, etc. will always shift, change, evaporate, etc. but in the end, what's most important is you're happy with who you are and the decisions you've made.

That very idea has been a life vest and I couldn't agree more.

Bottom line: I want to spend RIGHT NOW working on me. Not working on a "relationship" that means nothing. I want to spend RIGHT NOW making sure I do anything/everything I want to do, learn anything/everything I want to learn, experience ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. Sooner than later (hopefully?) I'll be living in a full time partnership. And I'll have to consider him, his feelings, his schedule, his likes/dislikes and what better time to be selfish than now.