the inevitable

it's a really sensitive subject. not just for me, im sure for everyone. but the past few years it has become more of a consistent thought and last night it crept into my dreams. it's inevitable that as we get older, our parents are aging too. it's not something we want to think about but someday, they're going to pass away and life will, for the first time, be so very different. it's just the way of life. people go through it every day. (unless of course, the unthinkable, when parents lose their children before their children can lose them. even. more. horrible.)

so ever since college, i've thought about this. thought about how someday, i'm going to lose my parents. and i know, it's a horrible thing to think about but i get worried, scared and sometimes make myself sick to my stomach thinking and imagining how horrified i am going to be when that day comes. how empty, alone, and heartbroken i'll be.

last night, in my dream - i lost my mom. the dream started out with her taking glamour shots. (which is strange in itself!) and i eventually went to join her. later on we were reviewing our photos and she started to point out the photos w/her wearing a wig and noted they were her best. eventually the conversation in the dream shifted to her alluding to why she was taking the photos. and in the dream, all of a sudden, it clicked. she was saying that she wasn't going to be around much longer. and i remember in the dream, i snapped. in one second my world crumbled and i was uncontrollably sobbing. even though it was a dream, i remember feeling pain. the kind of pain i often catch myself daymaring (daydream+nighmare) about. how i'll feel a part of me gone, torn away violently.

through the rest of the dream, i endured the next few days with friends. tried to get my mind off things. finding myself OK one moment and the next my eyes filled with tears and my heart hurting. other moments i'm with family, trying to get through the time together. and in the dream, i felt so alone. so lost. and just as i'd thought in my daymares, i thought... THIS IS SO UNFAIR. my mom is supposed to see me get married. she's supposed to be with me when im pregnant, when i give birth, and meet/love my grandchildren. (i think about this all the time. that i would be SO CRUSHED if either of my parents missed these events)

how distraught i was. in the dream. is resonating. and it makes my heart race.

i woke up around 5am. relieved as ever. and wanted to call my mom. but i know, she has trouble sleeping so i didn't want to rob her of a few more hours.

i woke up again around 730 and called her straight away. she answered, and said hi really quickly and told me she was on a long distance phone call. i just asked, "mom. are you ok? are you healthy?" and she said yes and that she had to go. (wasn't the response i was hoping for but hey, she responded! was good enough for me)

about 15 minutes later she called back and asked if i was ok. i told her i had a bad nightmare and she said that's what she figured. she asked if i wanted to talk about it...how do i tell her that i had a nightmare that i lost her. (implied but never said in the dream, to cancer - which she had/got rid of a few years back) i told her i didn't want to talk about it. she reassured me she was fine. and that was that.

i know. it's inevitable. it'll happen someday i just hope that in the next few decades i remember to tell my parents how much i love and appreciate them. and even though i live a few hundred miles away, make it a point to include them in my life. it's not something i want to look back on and regret. life is full of the unexpected and i want to make sure that i never neglect to show my love and appreciation. life is just too fragile.

-jnet